Just As I Am
While discussing my weight loss concerns with an older lady recently, she made a comment that set me thinking. I had mentioned that my husband doesn't notice me no matter what I look like. He didn't say that I was beautiful when I was thin, he never complained that I gained weight and he didn't notice when I lost twenty pounds. Then, she said it. "Have you ever read The Spirit Controlled Temperament? It may just be his personality."
Frankly, I hate that book. And here's why. I'm almost pure choleric. Know what that means? My house gets a certain amount of cleaning, then it's all details. I can't be bothered. Of course, it also means I throw great parties despite the cobwebs in the corners. My husband, on the other hand is mostly phlagmatic (sp? it's been a while since I read the book) with a little bit of melancholic thrown in - yikes! So, he rarely says when he is pleased about something, but has no problem letting you know when something isn't quite right.
And here's where the book comes in. He should accept the not-sparkling house, because my creative juices were flowing that day and I was planning his birthday party - which is in six months. And I need to assume that I look good, or dinner is fine, since he didn't say it was bad. All because of our temperaments. Somehow, I don't think this is what the author meant to do with that book. Yet so many people talk about it that way.
I don't believe temperament plays as big a role in a marriage - or any relationship - as some of us wish it did. "Oh, that's just the way I am," is so easy to say. But how often do we really mean, "I just don't care about you enough to put forth the effort."? I'll admit I often look at my house and think I should do some cleaning - then I don't because there is something more interesting to do. And my husband admits - when I am in tears because I'm so discouraged - that he sometimes think I look really good in a certain outfit. He just didn't say it. Where is the line between "It's how I am" and "I don't love you enough"? I think it's not where I wish it was.
So, I leave you with a quote from another book - "And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. . . . And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the Lord and not unto men." Colossians 3: 17, 23
Frankly, I hate that book. And here's why. I'm almost pure choleric. Know what that means? My house gets a certain amount of cleaning, then it's all details. I can't be bothered. Of course, it also means I throw great parties despite the cobwebs in the corners. My husband, on the other hand is mostly phlagmatic (sp? it's been a while since I read the book) with a little bit of melancholic thrown in - yikes! So, he rarely says when he is pleased about something, but has no problem letting you know when something isn't quite right.
And here's where the book comes in. He should accept the not-sparkling house, because my creative juices were flowing that day and I was planning his birthday party - which is in six months. And I need to assume that I look good, or dinner is fine, since he didn't say it was bad. All because of our temperaments. Somehow, I don't think this is what the author meant to do with that book. Yet so many people talk about it that way.
I don't believe temperament plays as big a role in a marriage - or any relationship - as some of us wish it did. "Oh, that's just the way I am," is so easy to say. But how often do we really mean, "I just don't care about you enough to put forth the effort."? I'll admit I often look at my house and think I should do some cleaning - then I don't because there is something more interesting to do. And my husband admits - when I am in tears because I'm so discouraged - that he sometimes think I look really good in a certain outfit. He just didn't say it. Where is the line between "It's how I am" and "I don't love you enough"? I think it's not where I wish it was.
So, I leave you with a quote from another book - "And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. . . . And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the Lord and not unto men." Colossians 3: 17, 23
posted by Harleys @ 11:11 AM
3 Comments:
At 11:53 AM,
Jennifer said…
You know, my hubby & I are apparently mirror images of you guys! He's the moody, tempermental one, I'm the 'just get over it' one. I guess I'm more choleric than sanguin, while he's definitely more melancholy than phlegmatic! I think it's very true that our personalities play a part in our day-to-day-ness. I've stopped expecting him to notice things because he just doesn't - or actually, according to him, he does, but just didn't bother to comment on it, even though he knows it would make my day for him to say "thanks!". This view doesn't mean that I don't want to club him in his sleep when he doesn't notice the special things I might have done that day. But, he also doesn't club me in my sleep when I ask him 25 times how dinner was, or how I look. We've just come to accept that the other one will or won't notice things, and that's ok with us! It keeps the peace - most of the time :) And, for the record, I do, on occassion, get a "you really look sexy" from time to time - granted, it's when I'm getting out of the shower, and when that's the last thing I want to hear, but we won't go there (*wink*wink).
At 6:05 PM,
Rabbity-Sniff said…
I believe the book but it only helps one personality understand the other. If a husband treated his wife the way Christ treats the Church - he would notice! He would always want what's good for her(not necessarily what she wants at times), he would notice when she has a bad attitude or starts to get her priorities mixed up or is upset and try to set things right (for her own good), he would reward her for excellent behavior and a job well-done (which means he would notice). And she would respect and reverence him (translation: stroke his ego?).
Last night my husband asked in a somewhat concerned tone of voice, "Are you alright?" I said, "No." and glummly walked upstairs to bed. I couldn't get to sleep despite being exhausted. By then I was upset and marched downstairs to attack my husband with the accusation, "If you're gonna ask me if I'm alright, find out I'm not and then just sit there, why did you ask in the first place?" to which he responded, "Me-me hurty my belly-button." I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing and gave him a kiss on the mouth (he was immitating our adorable daughter who says "me-me hurty" and then expects you to kiss the hurt). There's no way on earth I'm gonna get my lips near that cavernous lint trap of his! Then I straightened up, looked cross again, and walked away. I was finally able to sleep.
He soothes my need for a pat on the back by telling me what a good mom I am - every great once in a while.
At 2:17 PM,
Katrina said…
I started to write a keenly insightful response to your post, but frankly, it ended up reading like a long, cliched paragraph from His Needs, Her Needs and didn't really touch the nerve of what you're feeling at all, so I deleted it.
If my husband knows what it takes to make me feel loved and happy, and he doesn't do it, what does that say?
I know I have asked that question; I bet a lot of women have. In my case, my love language (if you've read that book) is, without a doubt, "words of affirmation." When we were dating, I ate, drank, and breathed the long, wonderful love letters that flowed constantly from Paul to me. The well of his loving words, and even his whimsical or funny ones, sustained me. It was like I was inside his head, and he was in mine.
Well, as the story usually goes, real life eventually intruded with all its bustling busy-ness and the guy who now got to see me over the dinner table every night and talk to me in the car every day felt less of a pressing need to pour his heart out to me on paper. Naturally, I suppose. But still, I felt poorer.
Every so often, I remind him of how much those tender missives meant to me, and, to his credit, he sometimes picks his pen back up--for awhile.
Truth be told, there are probably things I could do for his happiness, too, that I leave off--not because I don't care, but because it's not in my nature. I just don't think of it.
I guess the trick is to just keep trying, keep working for those rare and beautiful moments when you meet together on the mountaintop (and remember them when you're in the valley.)
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